Sorry, another Journal entry today, still struggling a lot …
Work, that blasted work! Or have I pulled the merino, free range, organic, fair trade wool over my own eyes?
The majority of my struggle has been about drive at ‘work’, or what I currently do to earn a paycheck. However, I do have a natural knack for my profession, and a level of ‘geekyness’ where I do like parts of the profession. I am in a tough situation right now in terms of busyness, and I have simply let the busyness get the best of me, instead of rising to the occasion. So, I show up, poke at my projects, and let the ‘fires’ grab my attention, drifting through the day. The drive of my youth is gone, long gone. But, is this really from a dislike for the job? I am starting to think, it may not be. Why? Well, my job is definitely not perfect. If I was given a blank slate, with no need to make money, able to do whatever I want, I would not be back at work the next day. It is not a passion of mine. However, for now, I have to earn a salaried paycheck. As standard ‘jobs’ go, the pay is great, and the environment is just fine, I have a fair amount of freedom, there are no big issues whatsoever. So, while my job is not a passion, is it far, far from a horrible place. However, you wouldn’t know this from the my mental conversations. (Of course, you wouldn’t know anything from my mental conversations, would you? Trust me, that is for the best!) I would rather be with my family a lot more, and have a flexible schedule, yes. But there is no concrete reason to dread going in to work. So there is something inconsistent between the way I am feeling and the reality of my job.
So, what in the world does that mean? So I don’t know if my current dislike is for the job itself, or for the scenario I have created for myself. What do I mean by this? I have created a scenario of ‘failing’. As I mention above, I just let my surroundings dictate a lot of my schedule. I spend the day reacting. I am aware of my projects however, and so then at the end of the day I feel bad that I didn’t get more accomplished on my projects. This feeling bad starts a downward spiral. If my dislike is more deeply associated with the scenario I have created, than my job, then can I improve the scenario? If I did this would I be able to stay for 1-2 years and get this thing done? (This assumes I get a side hustle going that lines up with my passions more, which sounds great, but I still can’t see clearly what this will be ….. ugh!) Then, if I do improve my scenario and I still have no drive or fulfillment whatsoever, maybe I need to walk away sooner. I just don’t know. But at least if I do this, which ever way it falls, I will have some kind of movement. This doing the same thing day after day, sitting in my self created misery, is getting really old. I need to change something. Right now, I improve for a handful of days, then slide back. Repeat, repeat, repeat.
But, I think over time, I have started blaming my job, since this is where I am at when I am feeling the majority of my dis-satisfaction. However, I think the blame belongs on me. Shit, I have pulled the wool over my own eyes! But now, the big question: How will I respond to this?
Do you ever have those days where you wonder if you have completely lost it, and complicated everything up so much, and a simple good nights sleep would straighten you out …….