I guess I always figured I was a sensitive guy, this works for me since I live with 6 ladies, but right now my need for ‘feelings’ is killing me!
It’s Sunday, and as I sit here, I think about Monday. I have been digging a hole for myself at work, by neglecting my day-to-day work. I have been working on a project, and just being really inefficient, while things pile up around me. Why? I don’t have the right ‘feelings’. I am not excited about work, it does nothing to fulfill me. I dream of a flexible work life and more time for adventure / travel with my family.
I have no idea how to get from here to there, none. I make good money at what I do, how can I ever replace that? I cannot dive into ‘the next thing’ with all my energy and time, thus neglecting my family. If I devote myself fully to something, by the time I do happen to succeed, the kids will be out of the house, and the point was to spend more time with them ….. Argh!
So, what do I do? Only a couple of things pop up: writing a children’s book with my daughter, and this blog. It’s all I have right now, so I need to run with them the best I can. As for work, I think, despite my lack of warm, fuzzy, fulfilling feelings, I need to be the best worker I can be, and then set myself up to leave and work remotely, part time. This could be the right answer, and it could be fear, since the alternative is to just walk away tomorrow, and jump full into trying to make my own income, and that is terrifying! These are hard decisions to make when you carry the weight of providing for 7 people……
So, Monday morning comes. I will not ‘feel’ like hitting the ground running. As history has shown, if I just show up at work in this state of mind, I won’t hit the ground running, and by the end of the day I will have accomplished a fraction of what I could, mostly working on whatever fires come up during the day.
Monday, I won’t ‘feel’ like working. I will be standing at my desk, and I will not ‘feel’ like getting started. The large pile of ToDo’s that I have let accumulate will be staring at me, and I won’t ‘feel’ like doing them. I am trying to visualize it, to prepare myself: There I stand, and I don’t ‘feel’ like getting organized and working. You know what I feel like doing? Checking my emails, answering some easy ones, scanning some data, reading a couple of work related articles, and reading a couple of non-work related articles/blogs. I feel like running away from my responsibilities and hiding in busyness. There it is, I can feel it, the fear of the large pile, the fear of not knowing what I am doing on some projects, the fear of not measuring up. I can feel the fear. I also feel the resulting strong pull of the mindless busyness, and the false feeling of safety that the busyness brings.
What do I do now that I am standing there feeling this?
I work for 25 minutes, then I get a 5 minute break.
That’s it, I need to stop thinking, stop waiting for a feeling. I need to work for one 25 minute session (yes, the 25 min. is from the Pomodoro Technique). That seems quite doable. I can handle that.
I can think about the next step after that. I will let you know how it goes.