I am gifted in learning.
I can pick up new concepts quickly, see patterns, and remember new information. Over the course of my life, this has come in very useful in math, and with computers. I really like to learn, which makes sense, since I am good at it.
This gift of learning has been great, but I have allowed it to cause discontent or wanderlust.
After I have learned everything new in a situation, I seem to get bored. When I get bored, I am not gifted with the ability to just show up and grind through the monotony. I think I like this about myself. I am not really out to fight how I am wired, but being wired this way does cause issues. I grow discontent, sometimes moving on, or changing things up. This has resulted in me not being a ‘finisher’ or not really ‘succeeding’ at anything.
So, while I think it is fine for me to not be wired to settle into a groove of the same thing day after day, I think the lack of finishing has negatively affected me. I am so used to not focusing for long enough to really experience success, that I now simply assume I will not be successful, at least on a subconscious level. Over time I have taken this to the level that I actually cause myself to not be successful. How I do this is ‘The struggle’. It’s only after quite a bit of deep thought, combined with some pints, that I have begun to understand this. I am sabotaging* (This is not the cool Sabatoge as seen in the Beastie Boys video) myself, to make my self-image of ‘not succeeding’ come true. Somehow, and it doesn’t make any sense, but over time I have become afraid to succeed!?! How did I do that to myself? How do I fix that? That’s pretty messed up!
Wait a minute, if I am working against myself, who is working for me? Shit! So, it’s great that I realize this, I am sure that is the first step. I just wish I had the 2nd step ……..